Clinically, it's a fear of relapse.
That what was previously in remission is back again. Your nightmares, your misery, your grip on reality.
I think this is when people end up turning to something Greater Than. Some sort of spiritual awakening. In my junior year of college, I took an anthropology course in magic and religion, and to this day, the thing that stuck out to me most was how humans universally gravitate to a higher being when they don't have control over particular situations or their lives. While I did consider myself Christian at the time, I took that statement and understood it in a sacrilegious perspective. I remember thinking it was true, that I did turn to a higher being whenever I felt like I didn't have control over the real world. It made me feel better knowing that I allowed God to be my scapegoat (obviously I didn't think of God as my scapegoat then, but he was, looking back at it now). It wasn't under my control anymore.
Even just two years ago, I thought rejecting Christianity would mean I would be lost forever. I was so devastated about my spiritual loss that the grief began to translate into fear and confusion, which then negatively permeated into my relationship. That was what made me want to stop mourning over something that perhaps didn't need bereavement. And then I slowly realized that I would be okay without Christianity.
Since then, I've been "on my own" trying to control things. And to be honest, it was going very well, but also driving me to become so overly anxious about taking control that I began to lose control. Along the way, in this seemingly long journey of anxiety, I've only recently accepted that I can't and don't have control over everything that happens in my life. I'm just afraid that I'll relapse.
I just found it interesting that my perception of my own life was so different when I had faith. Whether I think this is a good or bad thing, I don't know. But what I do know is that my experience in having faith helps me understand why and how others who are religious learn to live their lives in such a resilient manner. And, all I can say to that is, good for them.
