A couple weeks ago, I had a burning desire to cut my hair short.
Although I felt spontaneous and committed, I wasn't ready to give up the long hair lifestyle just yet. I felt like I needed to keep something normal. Keep something the same about me.
While in the past year, I felt I lost my sense of self and the confidence that comes with knowing who you are and what you want, this year, I feel like too many forces are enabling me to change in ways that I don't know how much I necessarily want in my life. I wonder how often change is even accepted as a good thing most of the time. I've been challenging myself physically, academically, emotionally, and especially mentally. As silly as it sounds, little things change-- more at will than I had anticipated-- such as not wearing eyeliner, not caring about what I wear to work (when I say "work" I mean my internship), and not wearing nail polish (I know!). They're really stupid superficial things, but it doesn't matter because that's not my point. In the end, I'm still losing something, whether it's because of the nature of my work or because of the lack of time. It happened more organically, and with that said, obviously it was unintentional. I couldn't afford to lose my hair, too.
Those are just physical things.
Mentally, I'm much more aware and observant of others, and hyper-aware of myself, which, actually, I think is quite harmful in some ways. Well, I don't think it's harmful. But it's harmful specifically to me because I think I think too much. And I'm too conscious of myself. I actually need to lose some consciousness. Or at least focus my consciousness to a different part of me. Does any of this make sense to anyone??
I've never seriously considered therapy until recently, and in the larger scheme of things, I guess I'm technically learning how to conduct therapy myself. It almost makes sense to have a therapist. Why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? I don't remember my anxiety being this painful in college (although I always knew it was there). I mean, most people have anxiety. It's just a matter of how much and how resilient you are to it.
I run this group on smoking cessation every Wednesday. I'm not a smoker, and never once smoked a cigarette (although I dream about it often, thanks to Xavier Dolan). I don't even know all the harmful effects of cigarettes, due to my lack of interest in it in general. But, I do know the harm reduction adage that many Narcotics Anonymous and AA groups like to use: "one thing at a time."
While I don't think it should be the cookie-cutter, pile-of-shitty-advice to give to people who use drugs, it helps to know that the goal isn't always being abstinent. The goal is to know yourself and your limits.
