I've found that the best time to update your blog is when you have other priorities.
Hello.
I can update you on what's been up, if you care:
I'm pretty sure I got decaf instead of regular caffeinated coffee this month so I get kind of zombie-like throughout the day, in waves. If it IS regular, then I'm just fooling myself. Although it may be a result of my recent trip back home to California. A three-hour time differences takes a toll on you more so when you're 1) an early riser 2) working full-time and 3) acting older than you really are. My sister, at 29, slept an average of four hours a day and practically begged me to stay up a little later. Which, by the way, I was unable to do.
Home. I didn't really tell many people that I was going home. Not that I know so many people at home anymore. Because my family hasn't been completely together for three and a half years, it was kind of crucial for me to spend the majority of my time at home. Regardless of how hopefully I am to go home, expecting the best of things, something must always go awry. This time, I had support, and for that, I am forever grateful. I felt, maybe I'm not the only one who's crazy. And then I thought, I guess I still have that messed-up side of me that I pretended didn't exist for about a year while "serving America." I unconsciously thought my filial obligations would be obliterated if I did good things for society.
Also, other than the usual jest of "meeting parents" or introducing your parents to your significant other, the disapproving idea about being reluctant to introduce your family to your significant other due to bad experience, bad relations, bad reputation, etc, is rarely talked about explicitly. One excessively kind, motherly volunteer told me that her husband, then-boyfriend was the one person she didn't want to introduce to her family because they weren't nice people. I didn't hear the end of the story, but obviously she went through with it and now we know this exists for a lot of people, because the telling of that story led another volunteer to tell me about his experience dating a girl for three years who didn't introduce him to her parents until two years in because she was embarrassed her father was an alcoholic. She didn't even tell him.
To be completely honest, it has nothing to do with me being embarrassed of them. I think my family thinks that's what it comes down to, but really, it's because my interaction with my family sheds light to my every little flaw. They expose me. And it makes me look bad, not the other way around. How can I NOT be insecure?
In the end, I know I deserve it-- it's just who I am. Who I am, with room for change. My sister is going through a very similar thing of self-discovery, and we both find it hard to change ourselves. Actually, my whole family is like that, and that's why it's difficult.
Another thing that's happening to me is that I am one of thousands affected by the government funding lapse, making things extra fun during my last two months of service. But I must say that I find this direct impact on myself a very real experience.
I will try harder to write. I've put a hold on every writing tool I ever used, and I can't explain why.
