The strangest thing had me cry over the phone to a complete stranger whose job was solely to provide me with assistance to get my contacts refilled.
My prescription was expired. It's been three years since I've had an eye examination and legally, they're not allowed to give me any sort of refill until I got myself to take an exam. Of course, the exam is money, and so are the contacts.
I told her I was an AmeriCorps member and that I just had a few more months until my service was over and I could come home again. Point in case, paying for an eye exam is not exactly how I would like to spend my budget. Getting contact refills is one thing (they are see-able), but taking a new eye exam means they just don't want me to walk around with squinty eyes.
"Can't I just have enough for the rest of the year?"
It immediately took me back to the summer of 2011. By the end of that summer, I was completely and wholly broke. My goal while I was home after my internship in Denver was to get myself back to school within two weeks before classes would start. Plane tickets were going up, and I had nowhere near $400 to get me to school.
Of course, my mindset at the time was that God somehow always finds a way for me-- whichever way that was.
And so he did.
But obviously, buying a ticket doesn't solve all your problems no matter the purpose of travel: leisure, starting a new life, starting school, etc. What does a ticket do but get you to a destination? How do you survive now?
I'll never forget the first two weeks of moving into my house: worn out from the two significant deaths in the summer, overwhelmed with the thought of moving and starting my last year of undergrad, and anxious about having $15 in my pocket until I would start working again and wait for my first paycheck. It was the first time in my life I didn't eat because I couldn't. It was a time I'm thankful that my parents couldn't see me, and at the same time, wondered if it was because I didn't have my parents with me that I was in this situation. Was I more dependent than I thought? Was I foolish to go to a different city just to selfishly get away from home and spend my time and energy at an unpaid internship?
Yet, during that time, I felt more empowered than I have in my entire life. And just thinking about that time also empowers me to keep going.
The summer of 2011 boiled down to one thing, and it was that I never once felt defeated. I easily accepted that this was just the kind of predicament I was in, and there was nothing in the past I could change. It probably was my fault financially, for going to Denver, but I needed it desperately, and I don't regret that decision at all.
So when the woman over the phone sympathized with me, I couldn't handle it. She was the most caring stranger I have ever encountered, and that's why I started tearing up. I could tell she wanted to do something for me, but legally couldn't, and would probably cost her her job. She knew I didn't have money, and she felt awful for rejecting me. I never felt any kind of understanding like that during my summer of hell, and it was just a very warm feeling to have such a basic human interaction for something so silly.
What do I do with desired sympathy? I think about this woman who hurt with me for not being able to order more contacts-- an individual I didn't expect to give me any sympathy in the first place-- and feel a great sense of appreciation because it's the only thing she can do as someone not involved in my life.
That summer, all I wanted was sympathy. But as my family and friends, their duty was to help me move on because they are able to do more than just hurt with me.
I was being selfish looking for someone to sympathize with my situation, but why? I've gained so much without it.
I assume if I had gotten what I wanted, we'd all silently wonder, now what?
