I haven't ditched my habitual and indulgent diary reading entirely, but I have recently felt less compelled to engage with it. Mostly because I can't be bothered, but partly because, half a year later, I feel like I'm finally coming to terms with being 30.
I have been looking forward to my 30s to be a new decade that I appreciate as much, if not more, than I've appreciated my 20s. The security, the assuredness, the confidence. I had written these three qualities down in my diary as my birthday was approaching. And suddenly, nothing feels secure, assured, and confident. I might have been more confident in my early 20s than I am now at this moment. But with all the adjustments of the pandemic, as well as the outcries after far too many lynchings, my self-image waxes and wanes by the hour. Does 30 really matter?
Looking into my past feels useless, especially in times like this, when things are beyond myself. Usually, it's helpful, enlightening, and contrasts with the current place in my life. I think many people feel like making time for the past is useless-- I only just started feeling this way, though a part of me still definitely does not want to let it go. I have a preoccupation with suffering being a part of my identity. By the end of my 20s, I was just beginning to feel ready to let go of my suffering. I have a far distance ahead of me. For that, it is somewhat exciting to get into my 30s, to be engaged living my life in a less suffered way. At one point, I did feel that perhaps I've been victim to my own narrative for longer than necessary. But to my defense, it gave me an identity, and I still identify with that identity. It's hard to let go of something that you feel has gotten you as far as you have, but it seems as if that identity is no longer serving me. In fact, it is holding me back. I feel frustrated that I do believe I have things to offer, and can't. Or don't. I think I look back because it used to be a time that my identity aligned with my actions, and I'm having a hard time in the present to do the same things that worked for me then.
So at 30, I need to think differently about:
-being open to (or in) relationships that I value or am curious about
-being open to updated domains I care about and want to stand for (race, feminism, mental health)
-investing in my happiness and non-suffering
