The Emissary triggered me to be depressed, how real it was in relation to where, globally, we are in life. But so far it's at the top of my quarantine-reading list. Had I read it at a different time in my life, I'd feel differently.
I realize that I tend to like things that provoke strong emotions-- usually negative ones. I believe that to be the reason why I am drawn to my painful memories, attracted to tragic and flawed characters, and intrigued by depressing energy.
Being self-quarantined, I am reminded that I am not one that friends come to in order to have "fun." And honestly, I don't mind. I don't want to be the friend people come to just to have fun. But a couple years ago, an acquaintance told me that he had not seen me ever have "fun." I was so shocked and baffled by this comment that I laughed in the moment, and can laugh now as well. But in between when he had said it and when initial feelings have passed, I was offended. Isn't "fun" subjective? Was he making a judgment on who I am? On what I consider "fun?" Because I have definitely had my version of "fun" in his presence. But I get it. And I can't be mad at him because I understand what he had meant, even though he had said it in an ineloquent manner. People come to me when they have shit to process. When they need someone to vent to. And truthfully, I don't mind at all. I don't mind when people bring their gloomy clouds to me. I have never once thought-- at least not in a one-on-one interaction-- that it was a drag that someone was bringing down the mood by introducing their woes to me. I welcome it. I thrive in seriousness. In fact, my whole career is to welcome the woes of others. Sometimes I even think lightness is frivolous and redundant. Ultimately, I know I am not everyone's cup of tea.
This is a wavering insecurity of mine: that I am not palatable. Sometimes I feel confident in my quirks, and other times (when people I like are involved), I feel self-conscious. I have been wondering for a long time-- is something wrong with me? Is there anyone out there similar to me? And do I want to know if there is? Because if there is, would it be a relief, or would I just realize I'm a just a normal person who so desperately wants to be different?
