It's normal, to be so out of whack right now. Is what I'm learning.
I feel like a devil-like phantom has possessed me.
For example, today, and really in the past week (but with such a flooding force, today is the most powerful), I am so overcome with a rage that I am not familiar with. I know I am generally an angry person, but anger to this level is, just like our life in a pandemic, unprecedented.
Whenever I get tired of white people woes and injustices and systemic racism, I consider moving to an Asian country, or founding a new country called Asian America (the true pipe dream), but during this pandemic, I had not considered it. I didn't want to flee and betray my love, this city. It was not a thought that crossed my mind on my own accord, but in the past week, I began to envision a different world. I feel ashamed to admit asking myself, what is the point of being in New York when the things I loved about New York no longer exist or function?
I noticed that (true to my type 4 enneagram!) I often isolate myself deeper when I feel no one (or very few) validate me or when I feel misunderstood. For instance, why is no one as angry as me, I wonder. Even though I know that's not true. That there are plenty of angry people who may be doing way more about it than me. But it feels better to be alone and isolated when I get angry or depressed. A committed obsessive-depressive.
I feel like I'm turning into someone I don't know. Someone who hates a part of herself. Someone whose moods are so volatile and fluctuate with such nagging consistency. Someone who is always victimizing herself. Someone who is trying so hard to control something they can't control and you are just so baffled why they're making their lives so miserable by trying to control everything. Someone who has body-shaking rage. It reminds me when I truly thought I was going insane, being so anxious and so depressed for being anxious. I feel insane. And then I feel hopeless. I feel like the type of person I despise and felt so far from just a few months ago.
