I had a conversation with someone who told me that one of things that deter her from moving to New York is the very fact that she has too many connections here. While she isn't the first person to show interest in expanding her current social group, this one got me thinking.
My current base is mostly comprised of college friends. Here's the thing about college friends-- if you've experienced college the way I did-- that I'm only just realizing is more consequential than I had ever imagined at 22, which is that the only thing that binds me to these college friends is our alma mater. And I didn't have a problem with that. In fact, I celebrated it while we were all in school together. Initially, I felt like a black sheep. But somehow, it didn't matter. I was astonished at myself that I could go to a non-liberal arts school and still make connections, or that people were interested enough to befriend me, and it kept me more fascinated at the various friendships that formed over the years.
I focus too much on differences, my first therapist told me. I focus on the things that make me different from everyone else, creating distance and social anxiety.
Five years out of undergrad, I feel the impact of the differences. What really keeps us together? When it's been a while since I've seen them, I feel a warm, fuzziness that I know I can't find anywhere else. I feel smitten and lucky. When I meet defensive, shallow women, I'm grateful for my down-to-earth female friends. When I meet insolent douchebags, I'm reminded of my supportive, gentlemanly friends. Sometimes, when we're all gathered, I look around and feel fortunate. At these times, I do feel connected.
But at other moments, especially with time, I feel stale and out-of-date with the way that I'm moving on with my life, and the way that my friends are moving on with their lives. It doesn't feel in sync. Which makes sense because we're no longer on the same timeline of freshman year, sophomore year...graduation, etc. We're on our own, going through or against a socially constructed timeline. And somehow, that feels like an inevitable distance in itself.
If I ask myself why I'm content with the way my relationships are, it's simply the comfort that they give me. But some people argue that comfort is a bad thing.
