On the days that I start meta-analyzing my thoughts, I realize how mentally trapped I feel in my own head.
As I've been advised, I need to learn how stop thinking about the minor details or end result, and rather, appreciate the process or look at the "big picture." It really is a battle, and it really is exhausting.
A little over a year ago, I finally understood what it meant to be afraid of your own thoughts, but it wasn't the first time I've ever thought about the idea. My mom perceptively said to me a few years ago, "You're the type to get depressed easily."
While there can be many thoughts of how ignorant and rude that statement was*, she was absolutely right. I'm the type to get "depressed easily" because, as my mom also says, I'm "too serious." This, I certainly hate hearing not only because I know how true it is, but because I'm self-conscious about it. The way I see it, I'm serious because I feel like life is serious. How many informal interviews have I heard that asks men what they want to see in a woman? A girl that doesn't take life too seriously. Luckily, I've given up on trying to attract men through conventional means, like adhering to dress or vapid wishes. Part of me takes life seriously because I don't know how to not take it seriously. If I don't, I'll lose control, and as I've mentioned, I need to have control over my life. It's the crazy, anxious side of me. My heart wants to bleed and weep over the word "anxiety." My head wants to sop the blood and tears and stitch the damn thing.
*People tend to idealize their mothers, which is kind of inevitable and very much understandable. I've struggled with knowing that my mom wasn't perfect. I wanted so badly to hold on to the image I used to have of her (ie. "best friend"), during the time when my world was much more limited and naive. But now I'm okay with saying that she's not perfect, or not as perfect as my friends' moms. And that I don't have the relationship with her that some of my friends' do (well, I do sometimes, usually when I'm away from her). It doesn't mean that you don't love her or that you're a bad son/daughter.
