Summer makes me feel like I have a big gaping hole inside of me.
It's so packed with memories and emotions that I can't imagine that anyone can go through the predictable familiarity of the season without remembering something they love or hate about it.
I guess you can say the same thing about any season, but summer usually means vacations and no school and all that other elementary stuff. While seasons become a blur once you start working, it's just so damn timely that I always feel this hole at this time of the year even sans summer break.
"Hole" isn't always a pejorative term. When something is empty, the reaction is always to fill it up. Empty wineglasses, empty plate, empty schedule, empty bed. It's kind of an optimistic word, if you think about it. There's nothing less than empty, so you can only go forward. Reminds me of Detroit's bankruptcy a couple years ago. "Detroit can only get better," I remember someone saying.
I don't know what I want to fill this summer with. I've been so focused on finishing the year that I don't know if I even care. I was just telling Cliff yesterday that this is the first time in my life that I keep forgetting what year it is. Two-thousand-fifteen. It sounds so prosaic and insignificant.
I can't believe that the bulk of my (projected) hardship in my academic career is over after this week. While I am quite the anxious person (and as my friend likes to remind me, "Anxious people live in the future."), I know it would be detrimental to think too far. Anxiety in relatively small steps has worked okay for me. I will not think about the following year or my following internship just yet. I need to get through this summer session. I need to terminate with my three funny little clients in one month. I need to get through my sister's wedding and the bittersweetness of being back in California-- the place that I've grown to loathe so much, really just because of my own unresolved issues. It's easier to scapegoat an entire U.S. state than a human being, so there you go.
All this really means is that I have a lot of room inside of me.
