I've never felt so fixated in my own world.
It seems like everything in my world right now is ironic and super meta. Like I'm taking a "clinical practice with groups" class where we learn about being in groups by being in a group. I've been thinking more about myself and why I'm myself in a world where I'm to think more about others. I feel like I'm forcing myself to be comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable. Like There Is No Alternative, except socially-- not economically.
Meaning is intertwined with value. Value is blurred with personal ambition. Personal ambition is muddled with things I have to do in order to do what I want to do. Does that just mean I'm doing what I don't want to do? Have I just accepted that my twenties is this great, lovable time I want to like but don't really do? I can't tell if I'm faking it anymore. I can't differentiate what's authentic and what's not. I've been so immersed in processing and thinking and rabbit-holeing into a hole that might not even exist. I'm quite aware that none of this really makes sense but it's also exactly how I feel.
Sometimes I wonder why I can fit into anything. Not physically (well, arguably), but in thinking about my career and in my social world. I'm so into me that I guess it's not surprising that there's no place for me. I wonder if this is what everyone thinks about when they start realizing that their calling-- just like everyone else in this world-- is to be their own boss. If everyone is their own boss, who are you bossing around?
Of course, I don't want to be boss, and really has never been a goal of mine except at one point in my life when I thought I wanted to be an editor (what a mistake). I guess by "boss" I mean to be trailblazer, in whatever it is that you have passion for.
I think that's the commonality for boss-wannabes. Be yourself and organically become a trailblazer.
