Several weeks ago, I put in my resignation letter at work.
Not unusual to my personality, I was fairly honest over the past year when people asked me how I liked my job, but I also left out a lot of internal struggle that I (and gratefully, Cliff) dealt with over the first two months of my job, and then finally, at the last two months. The middle months were equally painful, but by then, I had convinced myself I could hold off for a year before I would inevitably leave my post.
I felt inundated by the way I felt my job defined me. I truly believe that the work you do should be a part of your identity, whether that means your personal values are aligned with its mission or you truly love how well you contribute to the company. With that said, I felt my identity crumbling. I was slightly embarrassed that I didn't feel passionate about a nationally ranked organization (!) that ultimately helped children become better citizens in life, and I was too proud to leave.
With such a variety of experiences on my resume and no "set" skill, I ended up applying to almost a hundred different organizations over the course of four months to finally find this job in New York last year. I don't feel entirely hopeless being back on the unemployment route, especially now that my nonprofit experience is growing, but I do feel at ease knowing that two years from now, I will have a marketable skill.
Staying at a job where I felt no passion is that it is more psychologically damaging than I would have ever imagined. Your morale is dangerously low. You feel you're not good at what you do, or what you can do. You feel confused. You feel sad. You don't know the purpose of your career anymore, especially when you're supposed to be working in a place that brings you more intrinsic gratification than income. And if you're religionless, you feel no purpose in life. Your life is crumbling.
Deep into my job, determined to look forward, I pictured myself way into the future, successful in whatever. And then I would recall my first real job, my first job in the city of my dreams-- this one. In TGD interviews, the person always dismisses his or her "filler" job or jobs they felt were simply them "paying their dues" with just a few words. But I could go on forever. In five years, I, too, will summarize my first job in only a few words, but not without proving a point: I did not go through this in vain.
Things that happened to me this year at my job:
-diminished social skills
-lack of confidence
-anxiety attacks
-extensive knowledge of general education jargon and hot topics that led to no action
-affirmation of what I might do next
-confused wardrobe
I have never felt more liberated than the day I put in my resignation. I didn't want to let go of something that I worked so hard for, but I couldn't let myself continue to drag down my life in this way. This year was mental hell for me, despite that I was given the opportunity to come to the city I have always dreamed of living in. I don't know if my next steps are the right next steps, but I don't think anybody really knows.
